Bridging The Gap!

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Once we make a choice or take a stand, we will encounter personal and interpersonal pressures to behave consistently with that commitment. Robert Cialdini (1945-), social psychologist and professor, best know for his top selling book on persuasion, Influence.

Have you ever entered into a situation with a preconceived notion or set of beliefs that you felt unwilling to compromise on, regardless of what your counter part said or did? This might have been any type of situation like a sales or business negotiation, a discussion with a spouse, a barter with your kids…and no matter what happens you are just not going to budge on your position!

Why this happens to all of us is easily explained by the law of consistency! Human beings are guided by many laws but this one has to be one of the most illogical and actually bizarre laws when broken down. Psychologist Robert Cialdini in his book, Influence, highlights the fact that once a decision has been made, it becomes very important to be consistent with that decision rather than second guess or even be open to other options. He references a study that revealed that once people had chosen a horse to bet on at the track,  they then felt much more confident that their choice of horse had a great chance of winning!

So what is happening here?  Why do we feel so compelled to be consistent with our decisions even if they appear erroneous once we are faced with new evidence?  Cialdini offers one simple argument that it’s just easier to be consistent with the original choice because it requires no additional thought…we can just turn back to that decision and roll comfortably along.  Wow…are we really that lazy -minded that right or wrong we simply lock into one train of thought and give up any further effort?  Unbelievable, but maybe exactly why we seem to have such poor communication.

The fact that we would lock in like this by definition would eliminate the possibility for further productive debate and also severely retard the rate at which we learn. Maybe P.T. Barnum really did know what he was talking about when he said “never underestimate the ignorance of the American public.” I don’t think any of you would argue that this is pure ignorance and closed mindedness…and I’m also sure that most of you are right now jumping ship and denying that you ever do this…of course you are above this…but I doubt it.

You see this is a law of human behavior and as long as you count yourself amongst those who walk upright then you’re guilty too; but of course that does not mean that you can’t do something about it and avoid it’s perils. I’m just hoping to make you aware of it so you’ll recognize it and create many more positive outcomes in all situations especially conflicts.

However, I have to go deeper into maybe a more painful place for all of us to visit and that’s the fact that maybe some of what we think is actually wrong. After all, who wants to admit they’re wrong…it’s embarrassing and of course we know we should have known better. Enter into the act of the savior: humility! Ahhh but where’s the bravado in that? Isn’t it more noble to die by the sword…in this case the acts and thoughts we have committed to…the hero always goes down with the ship…especially the pig headed, stubborn guys (but ladies, don’t think you’re off the hook here)!

So is it really that we’re stupid and ignorant enough to quit on thinking…I would argue absolutely not. I think the real problem is that we just don’t want to go to that disturbing place where we have to admit we are acting ridiculously and even childishly. It’s no wonder to me that when you hear about the techniques of any “shrink”  influenced by Freudian theory they want to know all about our childhood. I think I understand why.

We all have psycho-cybernetics at work or mental systems that are developed as children that we never really question at all…at least not until we have a break down of sorts when life is not going our way…or even worse in today’s world we just run to the next “get-happy” pill.  And I can’t say as if I blame anyone for taking that route because it’s being pounded into our heads that it’s the way out…but isn’t there really an easier way…a better way?

Yes and here’s what we need to consider. Let’s put it in the context of a negotiation…what do you do and think when the other side disagrees with you?  Do you get mad and draw a line in the sand?  Do you quietly curse them as idiots? What happens when they attack your character…do your counter in like kind?  If this sounds like you, stay with me and consider this…your goal originally was to bridge that gap and close the deal. All agreements involve some common ground and compromise…even the most lopsided. So how do they get there? Flexibility!

Yet the main fact of the matter is that it takes one side to make a move in the direction of conflict resolution…why can’t that be you?  Now that you know consistency to your commitment and original decision might cost you the deal and perhaps could have even been an erroneous starting point that has led to your inaccurate thinking, you MUST question the way you are thinking or like Cialdini suggests, maybe not thinking at all!

So what if changing your mind and hence position is painful, so what if it requires the humility to admit that you are wrong…what’s the big deal…what’s the big consequence? You know quite well that many very successful people (certainly not all though) are very quick to take full responsibility for all actions even including those committed by the other people they lead. So here is yet another challenge to think! Don’t fullfill Barnum’s statement…be aware that you are retreating from thought and take action…be humble, be flexible and bridge that gap rather than making it wider and losing an opportunity for victory!

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