Panicked Phoenix!

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. -Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) American essayist, philosopher and poet; champion of individualism.

In Greek mythology, the mythical Phoenix is a bird of great color whose life spans 500-1000 years. Nearing the end, the Phoenix builds itself a nest of myrrh, a resinous material that then ignites and burns the bird to a pile of ashes from which a new Phoenix emerges! This is the story of my Phoenix…

I have always been a driven person from deep in my soul, competitive in the most ferocious sense. I’ve never accepted the belief that somebody could do something better than I. I knew that if I would simply focus my attention I could get whatever I wanted.

Obviously, like anyone, I have experienced many failures and setbacks and none more colossal than a period in my life right after college. I had been groomed in the 80s to be about all things financial. Harvard Business School seemed like the logical next step in my path to Wall Street, so I found the best job available that would lead to that goal, but after working there for 2 years and being rejected for admission because my experience was “too generic”, I hopped to the next lily pad in the world of venture capital where everybody seemed to be skating into either Harvard or Stanford; but then it happened…

One morning I woke up and felt this strange sensation in my body. My legs felt strange, almost as if they were protesting. How could this be, after all these were the legs of a cross country runner, legs that had cross country skied 100 miles in two days across Canada!

I shrugged it off as nothing much and forced myself into the shower when the second bomb dropped. I suddenly felt a massive rush of panic run through me as I anticipated the day. The thoughts of everyday tasks, such as meetings and phone calls, seemed to toss me into an anxiety state.

I rationalized that this must be the first time stress was catching up with me. I thought, maybe this is what it’s really like in the business world. While at work, the feelings seemed to only get worse and I began to compensate by keeping a lower profile and avoiding interaction.

I also devised a plan to combat this newly found stress, which included an even more rigorous fitness plan. I was already running, lifting weights, swimming; why not add some roller blading and boxing to toughen up. However, no matter what I did, nothing seemed to help and as a matter of fact it got worse. I was even having trouble seeing friends. Going out to dinner in a public place became a chore. I had visions of feeling so panicked that it would make me sick to my stomach.

So as the workouts increased and the tolerance for food slipped, I began to emaciate. Not a big guy to begin with, I didn’t recognize the frail figure in the mirror. The physical exhaustion had become so bad that I tried going to sleep earlier each night, but no matter how long I rested, I would wake up tired. My head begun to hang low with my chin almost resting on my chest. I felt like I was almost trying to look back into my head and figure out what was wrong.

I regressed to the point where I finally started to feel a little bit crazy. How could this have happened? What happened? Am I having some sort of a nervous break down at 23 years old? This became one of the loneliest times in my life because nobody knew what to say and what to do. Even my family was scared and tries willing me back to strength.

But I knew nobody was coming to help. I had to figure this out and beat it. I first realized that it was time to leave the job and the path I was on. There had to be some connection with my work environment and what good would I be in a state like this. I attacked the book store like a maniac for hours at a time because this was before the explosion of the Internet (I think Al Gore was still working on it).

I read books about depression and anxiety and ultimately found the term “panic attacks.” At least I could name my nemesis. I read about fish oil and how it affected the proper functioning of serotonin levels in the brain. I visited with a shrink friend of mine as we explored my past. I did it all and ultimately found some physical relief with the help of the right medication, but I refused to accept that as the long term solution!

Even though this time sounds like my worst, it was in fact my best. Like the Phoenix, I was on fire. My nest that I had known was burning. What I had been and thought I wanted to become was disintegrating into a heap of ash, and a new me was emerging.

I never really wanted to work for somebody else. I guess I was just an entrepreneur who hated the feeling of a saddle and would kick until it was off! I wanted to control my days and start with a healthy work out and a solid breakfast. I wanted to have kids and actually see them each day and build strong relationships that would follow me to the grave. In other words I was screaming for the freedom to pursue my real dreams!

The lesson is that you have to listen to the passion inside you! It can’t be denied! It’s that thing that gives you hope. It makes you toss and turn with the excitement of a little kid. But if you ignore it, it will come for you and bring you to your knees. Passion yearns for more life and is the guide to happiness.

There was a time when I felt alone because I didn’t know better and now I do. Because of that experience, I vowed to always be there for anyone suffering like I did. There is no shame in this at all! Shame only leads to isolation, and isolation to the dangers of alcohol and drug abuse, which even bring some people to the erroneous belief that there is no way out! Well yes there is and there always will be! Remember that when your Phoenix is burning the new you is only inches away, so give it life!!

P.S. For those in need of help: my research over the years lead me to a balanced and healthy life where exercise and a healthy natural diet remain the core of  my psycho-somatic health. However, in addition you should not be afraid to seek the medical help you need and I found many natural methods through an excellent Natural Doctor (ND), who turned me on to natural remedies. You might consider doing the same.

Tags: Inspiration, Motivation, Panic Attacks, Phoenix, Self Improvement