Hidden Story!
Everybody has a world, and that world is completely hidden until we begin to inquire. As soon as we do, that entire world opens up to us and yields itself. And you see how full and complex it is. -David Guterson (1956-), American novelist, essayist, poet and journalist.
The other day we took a family trip to Nantucket on the ferry during a perfect morning, but before you conjure up moments of pure bliss and sunshine, don’t forget I had my 5 wild kids in tow. So back and forth we went trying to making sure nobody thought it was a good idea to jump over the side from about 5 stories high.
Flying Monkeys
None more challenging than my curious twin boys, who were all over the place and even more crazy once I broke down and bought them a bag of sugary, rocket fuel. Not the shy types, they eventually befriended another mad man about the same age of 5. Together they formed a gang and decided to wreak havoc.
Quickly we forged a silent agreement with the other kid’s parents to cover either side of the boat to ensure no skydiving. I quickly noticed that this newcomer named Zach was particularly in over-drive and seemed to be yearning for attention. Even though my guys are off the chart wild (you reap what you sew), Zach was another gear altogether!
I started to think to myself, maybe it would be nice if Zach’s father reeled him in a bit to make my job of controlling my twins a bit easier…but it didn’t happen. The guy looked like a nice enough guy, so I approached him and started talking about business. Soon enough I got the real story…
Not What it Seemed to Be
The guy’s wife had just passed away a year and a half ago from a massive heart attack unexpectedly. She had been a tenured professor at Northeastern University with the world in front of her. So I had it all wrong. The guy, David, was with his new girlfriend and his son headed to the island for a nice day trip. My entire viewpoint was shattered and refocused. Even though David told me Zach was doing fine, it all suddenly made sense.
Here he was at 5 years old dealing with the loss of his mother. Even though he was only 3 years old when she passed, I could see its effects. I have five kids of my own and know that when they were newborns they could sense problems.
As if slapped in the face, I immediately changed the whole dynamics of how I was reacting to Zach. As he tried to inch into our family pictures, I gave the wink to my wife and motioned that it was a good idea; even though I could see the look on her face as she tried to capture the perfect moment for this year’s Christmas cards. Zach was thrilled as he flashed a big grin with his crazy hair and selfishly I felt that just for a moment it was all good!
Wake Up Call
How many times does this really happen? How many times are we not in the mood where we want to even hear about somebody elses’ journey? How many times do we judge somebody by their actions and never even consider why they might be acting that way? How many opportunities have been missed? How many deals gone by the wayside? How many families have been permanently divided? How many wars have been started?
Closer to home there have been several situations where people have locked horns. Nobody willing to budge or be accountable for any bad moves. The tough part is because we are all so fearful that if we really say what’s on our mind we might be laughed at. If we actually say we were hurt or wronged we might be seen as weak and worse we seem so committed to being consistent rather than right!
Get Over Yourself
I think that we are in such a self-protection mode we forget to not only consider where other people are really coming from? What’s their story? What’s their pain? Is their anger really cover up for deep hurt? What might have happened to them to put them in that state of being? Maybe everything they do and say is being dictated by a paradigm of pain and abuse?
When you observe those that appear most emotionally mature, they seem to be great listeners. They seem calm in their demenaor and detached from the outcome. They don’t seem to have an agenda or an obvious personal gain. They put us at ease and we like them for that!
The Real Secret
Let’s go back to someone that always seems angry. Why? If it’s a temporary state, then maybe it’s caused by a more recent event that went wrong. Maybe they are not even conscious of their outbursts because they are so consumed with their pain. How about somebody who is angry all the time. Why? Maybe they have suffered years of abuse and and feel powerless and now they’re angry or severely shy.
Are they weird? Are the freaks? How would you be reacting? How would you be feeling? Would you be able to erase the thought from your mind as you went about your daily activities? Would it pop up in the middle of dinner, triggered by a seemingly innoccent word or action, and turn the night into a disaster.
Sure, “kick the bucket”, you might be saying? “Just get over it and move on!” Well, that’s what you want perhaps because you have not had the same experiences and after all why can’t other people just think and act like you do? Think about that for a minute…why do we want relationships to be easier? Are we lazy?
Ask and Learn
Does it really take too much work to figure other people out and why they act the way they do? For some that are great communicators, perhaps not. Some are able to ask a few provocative questions and quickly know how to properly deal with other people. Others struggle because they can’t seem to find the words and get all bumbled and retreat. Not good!
So try coming in through the side door. Ask somebody about themselves and an amazing thing happens. They read their minds for you. There are not many people that don’t enjoy telling their own story. Within minutes of asking David where he was from and what he did for living, I knew the whole story. Armed with the truth, I was a changed person. I moved swiftly to make things better, if even only for a few minutes on a boat under a perfect sky. What if you did the same? You just might come to appreciate the incredible stories of perseverance we all share!!
Wonderful post Danny! I love the way you pick this stuff apart. I’d take it one step further. Sometimes it’s not necessarily a persons life experience or something they are going through – its just a difference in personality type between you and them (i.e., DISC profile). Someone who is a high-D may not have the interpersonal skills that appeal to a High “I.” A response or action on the part of a high-D may be construed by a high-I as a snub or rejection when it was totally inocent to the “D.” Keep em coming Danny! Bruce
Danny. It reminds me of the lesson that is told through a tape I had listened to in the past. I cannot remember the name now but I am sure most of you can remember. It is about a man on a subway sitting next a guy who is not paying attention to his children. They are absolutely out of control and the guys is in a daze and not paying attention to them at all. The observer ask how are things going and he says my wife has just died and we are coming home from the hospital… Same thing… His entire outlook of this man and his family changes. I always try to reflect on this story when I am driving, riding, going through life, dealing with my kids etc… Something may have happened to make this person cut me off such as their wife is giving birth, they are late for a job interview etc… Either way we have all done it too. We ay have been running late for something or our wife was having a baby etc.., You are absolutely right. Once we take the time to get the information and determine the entire scenerio our perspective on the situation is usually different.
Thanks,
Jeff Wilson
http://www.JeffreyWilsonHomes.com
How true, Danny. I learned very long ago from my oh-so-wise Mother to NEVER judge a book by its cover. I hope I’ve passed that very valuable lesson on to my children.
The best way to get what YOU want from someone else is to first give them what THEY want from you. Unfortunately, most of us don’t operate this way because we’re so busy with our own problems that we don’t take the time to focus on other people’s problems.
Most of us live our lives reacting to what happens to us every day rather than trying to figure out WHY it happened to us. If you spend your life in reactive mode, you’ll be in a constant state of chaos and will never gain ground (doing the same things will yield the same results).
When you take the time fo figure out WHY something happened, you’ll be able to make changes that will reduce the chance for bad things to happen and increase the opportunity for more good things to occur.
Enjoy life as it can be fleeting and don’t pre-judge too hard.
Great story
Jeff
Great topic Danny
No likes being judged but we all seem to judge other. We judge without knowing the whole story and then miss out on the chance to get to know someone because we already have decided not to approve them.
It was great that you dug dipper you and your family made that kids day. By accepting him.
Thanks Danny
So often we say we are listening to someone and we are realy not. A story like this makes me think more about my responses to the people around me. I think we are sometimes worse with our own families than we are with conplete strangers. Thanks for the story.
That is a really good post Danny. It exemplifies how we can sometimes make some rather outlandish and totally false assumptions about people. It’s not until we really sit down and hear their story that we can best underestand them and serve them. I’ve found in discussions with others, some who have had deaths in the family, divorces, financial ruin, near death experiences and other cancer patients that too many times I had made some assumptions that were way off base. I found that the other person sitting across the table from me was a truly interesting person and when I heard their story I was better able to understand and help them.
This post really hit home.
Hey Danny, I haven’t commented on here for a couple of months, mainly because I feel detached and seperated from the group and out of place. I felt great when I felt I was part of a bigger picture and then my world kinda caved in around me and instantly felt lost and out of place. I’ve had a hard time picking up the pieces and getting back on track, looking for other work because I no longer feel in the right career! I will tell you this, the Monday morning mojo is one of the things I can’t live without! Each Monday I read the mojo first thing and it give me a little of myself back because somehow you always seem to hit the nail on the head! It has taken some time but I have been placing plans in place to get back on track so I can get back in the group and get away from the distractions that derail me. I havent had a lot of support from my family in this indever so I’m working on making things happen (I’m just having to do it the hard way). I even had to cash out my 401K to make my monthly bills, and that was after cutting most everything out of my business. Anyway, enough of that sob story, we all have our own, I just want you to know I’m working on figuring out how I can get back in the game and do more than just survive. By the way, as always great mojo!!!!
David
walk in another mans shoes….. then you’ll understand how he is thinking
Acknowledging and appreciating your committment to making a difference for others using what you have distinguished for yourself through self inquiry and powerful mentoring.
So you want to know what I’m thinking and what my struggles are? WOW! Danny that’s more than a comment. Participating now in a seminar for success. Not for winning at goals or getting more money but distinguishing the paradigm that all human beings live inside of. That paradigm as you say is quite invisble to us. The impact of surviving self-imposed standards, ideals, attachments we have from our individual cultures, families, friends and education and so on. In the 5th week of 10 sessions has me starting to be free from the grip of the attachments made of a lifetime of bringing meaning to the events of success and failure.
When you describe one’s story or where they come from I’ve distinguished that I, no matter how much I’m determined to win and succeed, spend most of my thinking (although transparent to me) on the downside for having success. It’s really freeing for me to get how I’m attached to certain ways of being that have me take actions and get results that I am not committed to having in my life.
I can begin to see (by getting the distinctions for how I operate in life) to not operate like a machine and begin to choose courses of being first and then actions consistent with those ways of being to provide me with results I really want to happen in all areas of my life.
To write this email is one of the new ways for me to be and act. Even though my business income is not where it needs to be to support Mastery, the opening for Mastery and coaching in itself is now available to me since I have distinguished those old ways of being that do not work. Make sense?
Like this… do the same thing over and over again to get a different result is insanity. I’ve distinguished for myself in a nut shell my indentiy is not geared for high performance and high results even though I demand that of my self. Having distinguished those meanings I placed on events in my past life experiences provides me the frredom to choose ways of being that do support what I want.
In your own words of wisdom here and in your coaching, I hear you digging, digging and digging in to our lives. So thank you for being a stand for that even when it may appear to you that no one is at home or listening.
The human dynamic is a very powerful one. It resists and it resists to keep everything warm and cozy. To not be at risk. It does not want us to breakout of what we already know to be true (whether we like it or not). We humans love being right even when it provides only pain and suffering.
If we want to be winners, I know I do, I’ve got to breakthrough to the otherside. By giving up being right about all that I hold on to (meaning) for what success really is for me. All that meaning is not true. It is simply a meaning or point of view that I said is true about myself.
The space travelled between where I am and where I want to have a breakthrough is not often a pretty place, however there is an experience of freedom, power and joy on the otherside.
Thank you
One more example of “Walk a mile in their shoes…” I was always seriously affected by other peoples anger. I felt their anger was my fault or my problem to solve. My counselor recommended “You Are Not the Target”. This book helped me a lot. I still flinch at anger & yelling but I am able to take a deep breath, step back & assess whether it was something I did or said that generated the reponse or something within the other that is coming out when I am there. Of course it’s easier with strangers than family.
Hi Danny,
Great Monday mojo on Labor day. As a real estate agent, I think that we have to be interested in people if we want to help them reach there goal of finding a house or buying one. And to sincerely be interested in people means that we got to ask questions about different aspects of their lives and not only bussiness oriented but more importantly we got to listen carefully to what they say. When I first started in real estate, I was focusing to much on bussiness and not enough on their needs and goals and feelings. I was litterally forgetting everything they had told me about themself because I was either thinking about what price I was going to tell them, etc. Now I always take some time to get to now my clients more personnaly and I listen a lot more to what they have to say and at the same time I am doing a better job for them.
So thanks again for doing all that great work. It’s really fantastic to know someone like you and have you in Craig program. Hockey season will start soon, see you in Montreal for the Stanley Cup !
Thanks
Francois Mackay
Danny,
I’m happy for you that you ran into someone who felt able to share such an intimately personal history with a total stranger. Our society does not allow this to be the norm. Yes, I do speak from personal experience.
This man is obviously coping with his circumstance, but I am not convinced that child is OK. I hope he continues to pay very close attention to his little boy. It’s easy to lose track of children in such a situation. I know that because I am the child who was lost.
I have learned to listen to the inside of people, not just the words that exit the mouth. I acknowledge that this is partly due to a continuing need to protect myself from the many predators in the world. I also state this: I am making my real estate business work because I do not put my needs in front of client’s needs. I listen closely to clients needs, and sometimes I have to prod them to talk about specifics. In the end, the details are what matter. I pay attention to those.
This works in my personal life as well. I am curious to ask you this, Danny. Did you read the note I passed to you at the superconference?
Great mojo Danny! You have always told us to listen to others rather than run off at the mouth listening to ourselves. Surprising what you learn and the potential problems you avoid. I must continue to strive to practice what you preach. Thanks for continuing to remind me. Tom
” Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Plato
Really enjoyed the post. Reading it as always makes one look at your own self and how you relate to others. I think that one of the interesting challenges we all face is slowing down our internal pace so that we can truly LISTEN to what is being told to us – either verbally or body language wise. Not only listen, but explore what are the true wants, needs, motivations, etc of the people we deal with every day. You discovery amazing things when you dig deeper and ask open ended questions followed by listening. It is the old we have 2 ears – 1 mouth so use the 2 more than the 1.
Thanks for the stimulation – and i appreciate everyone putting in their 2 cents ( again listening)