The Recruiters!

You can’t talk yourself out of what you have behaved yourself into. -Steven Covey (1932-), best selling author and believer that natural, external principles determine the consequences of behavior driven by internal values.

Effective People

Even though I’ve known about Steven Covey’s work, I never had the chance to really sit still and read his book, The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People. So instead I bought the audio version and tuned in to automobile university. Ironically, at the same time, a good friend sent me an interview that Tony Robbins did with Covey.

Well I have to say that I’m completely moved by the distinctions that Covey has made about human effectiveness, but what’s most compelling, is that his journey dates back to the writing of his doctoral thesis. Covey has thoroughly studied the evolution of success teaching since the time of the founding of the United States.

Maturity Levels

Yet what hit me most is his theory of a maturity continuum. He discusses how we are at the lowest level when we are in a state of dependence or the ‘you’ stage. What have ‘you’ done for me lately? Then we graduate to the independence stage when we become aware that we can take care of ourselves. That’s the point that I have cautioned can be dangerous as we jump to a plateau, get comfortable and then stop growing. We stop believing that we need the help of other people.

Covey stresses that point as he describes the ultimate level of maturity as interdependence. A stage where synergy helps us achieve more than we ever believed possible. Now I know this seems obvious and we all would agree, but why is it so hard to achieve? Why do we get stuck in either a dependent or independent mode?

Like any good formula there are always some secret spices that need to be named to get the proper result. According to Covey, there are two that I agree with, caring and courage. The caring seems simple in that we must be able to feel a certain empathy for the emotions and challenges of others. We need to see ourselves in others. But caring is simply not enough. The maturity of interdependence also requires courage. The daring to take action.

False Projections

However, even with the keys to success in our hands, we still struggle. I think it might have more to do with us continuing to project what we think other people want us to be. We want so desperately to fit in that we compromise our true feelings just to gain friends. You might think this is reserved for the playground or the high school hallways, but think about how many times you’ve seen adults do it. We all do it, don’t we?!

So let’s not throw stones, let’s just develop some thinking tools to get beyond it or at least recognize it. Let’s take the naturally caring people first that might not be strong on the courage meter. How often do they hear something derogatory about another person and by staying silent condone the negative talk or action. Stepping out and trying to right the wrong could have serious social consequences, but when the compassionate person does nothing, the personal damage can strike a critical blow to the self-image.

Natural Captains

However, the loudest challenge would be to the bold. The natural leaders that are long on courage and fear little. Taking action for them is easy. Yet they often march forward with very little compassion. You are either for or against as far as they are concerned and contrary opinions are not welcomed and seen as a threat. The tragedy is that they become enemy-centered and lose a great opportunity to help others realize their dreams.

So let’s consider the consequences. For the caring, but understated, what are you really losing if you step up and speak your mind. So what if somebody disagrees with you. If you feel in your gut that something is wrong then speak up regardless of the consequences. So maybe you’ll lose some friends, but perhaps you should question why you targeted those people as friends in the first place. What were you hoping to gain? Is it the “in crowd” and that makes you feel good. Remember that the term “in crowd” by default creates an “out crowd.” Is that what you want to do to other people…keep them out. Maybe if you’re already ”in”, you should wake up the group and help them be more open minded.

Dead Bodies

So what about the courageous, the bold, the captains! You are the commanders of the agenda. With little fear you plow forward, but remember, not everybody is like you. Furthermore, you definitely don’t have it all figured out. Nobody does! Take a look behind you in your wake. Are there any trampled bodies? Have you smashed any spirits? Have you renderd the less-driven unmotivated and broken. Take a look at your resume. Is it loaded with arguments and fights? Are you always into with somebody? Listen to your conversations. Are you constantly talking about other people and what they are doing wrong? Are you looking for others to join your cause in support against others?

Now if we were animals, then unbridled aggression would be fine. Kill or be killed. But we’re not. We have been granted the ability to think in the space between action and reaction. So build your skills in that space. When somebody else speaks, you listen. Not the type of listening where you are sort of hearing enough so you can put together your response and force your agenda!

Synergy Leaders

To both the caring and the courageous, think! When you truly listen to somebody’s words or contemplate their actions then you can take a minute to ask why. Why would somebody act like that? Is it their background, circumstances or even personal pain? There is a deeper reason we all do what we do, so give other people the benefit of the doubt, because if we all take a moment to empathize with somebody else, we might just find a way to help them move towards the highest level of maturity and jump ourselves right up there with them. So the next time you have the chance, and it will be real soon, recruit for interdependence!