Love Me China Doll!

A baby is born with a need to be loved and never outgrows it. -Frank Howard Clark (1888-1962), America screenwriter who wrote over 100 films.

Harmonious Happiness

According to Jonathan Haidt in his book, The Happiness Hypothesis, one of the happiness factors that is worth striving for is a relationship. Think about that for a minute…how do you feel when you are completely in a harmonious vibe with someone you care about? When everything seems to be going along perfectly. Sort of like that new love feeling that fills your body and mind when you first start dating.

Now think about how you feel when something goes wrong in a relationship. What happens in your head? The pain dominates your thoughts, which in turn generate negative emotions and more bad thoughts and even a negative chemical reaction! You obsess over what might have gone wrong. You begin to get your dander up and even think about revenge. Plain and simply, it’s a bad scene.

Too Simple

Eastern philosophers like the Buddah might argue that the problem is that we are too attached to anything and everything; that we really should learn to detach ourselves from all of this nonsense. While I see the benefit to that when it comes to material possessions, I have to agree with Haidt that it’s an over-simplification when it comes to our relationships with other people.

The bottom line is that we need the love of other people. You should find it no big secret that the number one reason people visit a mall is to see other people. Sorry to all you retailers, but the mall is just one big social event that you don’t need an invite to and it’s also free! Okay, so at least we agree that we are fascinated by each other, but what happens when we have an urge to reach out and speak to each other? Why don’t we do it? Of course we’re doing it like wild on the internet, but that’s too safe, too anonymous and simply not enough.

Roadblocks

There are two things that we must be made aware of first before we can overcome this roadblock: 1. That some of us have a genetic short circuit that causes us to withdraw automatically even when there is no evidence of any actual physical harm or injury 2. The fear of embarrassment or shame is so out of whack that we also will do anything to avoid it, including the avoidance of a simple hello to a stranger. I know, I know…don’t talk to strangers! I get it, but that’s not what I’m talking about.

Consider being invited to a party. Do you think to yourself, I can’t go to that, I don’t know anybody! Hello! That’s the point! We need to expand our social contacts and relationships. It’s what challenges us to grow and how dangerous can it be to attend a respectable event where people are gathering in the name of a common interest? How about a charitable event where the premise is to serve others. The focus is not even on us, but we still refuse to go….we have “nothing” to wear.

The Love Catch 22

So here’s the love catch 22. We all want more love, but we’d rather sit home in the comfort of our lonely, safe island, because it takes work to go out and talk with people we don’t know. So really, what’s worse? The desperate lonely feeling we cultivate through a self-imposed isolation or the adventure of going into an uncomfortable situation with a chance to expand our world. The problem might be an inherent part of our ridiculous and false expectations. We’ve become a bunch of China dolls ready to crack at the first sign of a setback.

What if I actually go and somebody doesn’t like what I’m wearing? What if I go and nobody talks to me and I end up standing in the corner like a loser? What if do say hi to somebody and they laugh at me? Oh my goodness! Can you hear the crumbling beginning? Now seriously, if that’s as tough as life has become then we have it way too easy. Maybe we can blame this new politically correct world we live in where it’s taboo to criticize anybody for anything, so that as soon as we hear anything negative we implode! What happened to rugged individualism that spawned the new world?

Hunting and Gathering Love

Maybe we need to reconsider our pasts and how we used to be? Let’s start with animals, like a dog. Ahh no there’s unconditional love! They don’t care what you wear or what you say, as long as you just pay attention to them and keep them active. Did you know that once upon a time man trained wild dogs to help with the hunting and gathering and that’s how we became bonded…we WORKED at it! Oh a novel thought! You mean that work was even at the foundation of that seemingly easy relationship?

Well there’s no better time than the present to get after it. A tough economy has sent a wake up call to toughen up. Get off the couch and get after it. After what you say? Relationships! Going looking for new ones like a kid on a buried treasure hunt! Like your dogie buddy with a fresh scent in his nose down wind! As a hunter and gatherer of happiness you first must realize what you’re after; love! I know you’re too tough to admit it but it’s just the way we are wired and anybody in denial will need to overcome that insecurity first.

Too Many Bests

So how do great hunters attract more love? They go out and give it through random acts of kindness. Have you ever been laughed at when you helped somebody unconditionally? Did anybody comment on what you were wearing when you did? I am sure however that they noticed your actions and your kind words even if you stuttered through them! We don’t have to set the expectations so high that you’ll find hundreds of new best friends, you won’t! After all the word “best” implies only one. However, you will find a whole bunch of people that appreciate your unconditional love and you’ll realize that they had been hoping all along that you’d finally show up!