You Gotta Have Friends!

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep. -Robert Frost (1874-1963), American poet, winner of four Pulitzer Prizes for Poetry.

Island Isolation

We’ve talked about it before, that no man is an island; but the real question is, why is it so important to understand? What are the implications if you don’t have friends? Why can’t we go it alone? After all, haven’t we all at some time been completely burned and disappointed by what we thought was a friend? Since “to err is human,” why even bother gathering friendships if by definition they will eventually fall down?

Well certainly that’s an option; to retreat to the confines of the woods and isolate ourselves so that we never even put ourselves in a position to get hurt. We can simply talk to the animals that won’t talk back and contemplate nature. Perhaps that sounds wonderful, however, at some point we all crave attention and the love of somebody else. So given the Catch 22 of needing friendship and knowing it will be harmful at some point, what do we do?

Behaving Perfectly

We perhaps could sit down and write out exactly what the perfect friend should be like. Caring, thoughtful, considerate of our feelings; always being there when we feel down and need a boost. Exactly how we would act for any friend of ours…you know, the Golden Rule…of course the way we all behave right? Well, not exactly. Think about how you’ve been as a friend. Have you always kept your word impeccable? Have you ever cast a stone in the direction of anybody that you cared about? Have you always had their back? Oh and by the way, that means also in your thoughts. You’re also guilty if you have crossed any friend in your mind by wishing them any ill will at all.

So there you have it. It’s virtually impossible to be the perfect friend. So why should we expect a level of performance that we can’t even achieve ourselves? It’s not only impossible to be perfect, it’s also naive to expect perfection, and possibly even dangerous. Think about when you set guidelines for yourself and eventually fall down on them. Do you crucify yourself mentally; beat yourself into a self-image pulp; fall into a depression? Of course! We all do!

Suspicious Sleuth

So know let’s circle back to friends. What if we simply started with the acceptance of the fact that no friend will ever be perfect and we in turn will never be the perfect friend. Let’s not simply throw the concept away, because after all the alternative is isolation and that can be maddening. Why not venture into any friendship, new or old, knowing that the problems are coming? Not that we have to be sitting on the edge of our seats like the suspicious sleuth just waiting for the moment, but rather simply understanding that the day will come where things just fall apart.

You see, that’s the precise moment of potential glory that we might just be missing. The chance to step up and take the lead. Maybe that’s exactly the instance where we’re getting this all wrong. Let’s presume that you have been hurt by a friend. Do you really know or have you even thought about why that person might be lashing out at those who care about them the most? Maybe that’s just when we should take a break and remove ourselves as a player in the scene altogether.

You The Director

Maxwell Maltz in his book, The New Psycho-Cybernetics, articulates so brilliantly the concept of the “Theatre of The Mind” where he suggests that we look at our own lives as if we were having an outer body experience; watching the movie of our own life play out before us in a theatre. We all know what that feels like as we sit and watch the main character be wronged by the villain or even a friend. Yet in this case that main character is us and the best part is that we’re not an impotent bystander just hoping that the movie will play out the way we hope…we can actually write the script!

So why don’t we take a more active role in re-writing the script of our life. Why do we sit back and do nothing when the scene goes off track? Why don’t we take action with the pen and start scripting it better. You see there is no other director…it’s us! We are the ones that must take the action. So let’s take a crack at it.

Wimpy Hero

First of all, it’s just silly to expect that the script will have no struggle, no challenge point, no obstacles. Think about how boring that would be. Where would you ever get to play the hero? When would you ever be able to script yourself being your best if there were no pitfalls to overcome, no other characters to help? Speaking of the heros…what do they look like? What characteristics do they really need? Are they immature in their responses or are they patient? Are they quick to judge and act or do they take a moment to think and set out on a more direct and clear path? Most importantly…are they humble enough to recognize and admit their own fragility? Are they strong enough, even when injured by a friend, to empathize and understand where the attack may have come from; and ultimately, are they disciplined enought to forge ahead in spite of the slings and arrows they will certainly suffer?

Here’s the good news. We can all play the hero. The short, the tall, the slow, the fast; there is no ideal physicality like superman. That’s just some cartoon we built to entertain us. The truth is that the greatest muscle is common to all of us. It’s the mental muscle and it wants to grow. It wants you to teach it about humility and empathy. It wants to make the distinctions that make all the differences, but you must feed it evidence. You must take action. You must step up and begin acting “as-if” you’re already the leader in the storm and get with your friends. Seek their counsel and offer yours. Listen first and speak last. You’re surrounded by brilliant minds that you might not be hearing and perhaps that’s the real reason you don’t see that You Gotta Have Friends!

P.S. This is dedicated to several friends that have recently helped me find a better way. They know who they are and they need to know that our work has just begun. There is a higher calling to help as many people know what we have learned. Your friendship is among the most important jewels that I know.